10 Things horses taught me… about Dating

Dating is hard, yo. But you know what is harder? HORSES. ANYTHING WITH HORSES. They are bigger, more expensive to spoil, less easy to communicate with, and temper tantrums can legitimately hospitalise you. For equestrians, relationships pale in comparison, but to be honest we could actually be damn good at them if we just apply our training principles to our partners:

1. Don’t assume ANYTHING 

Especially, do not assume that they know what you mean. Don’t assume they have been backed. Don’t assume that their saddle fits. NOTHING. YOU KNOW NOTHING.  

As with horses, humans require ridiculously clear communication, repeatedly. Go back to basics if things feel like they are falling apart, because the single biggest problem with communication is the illusion that it has taken place. Like making out, keep it HOT – Honest, Open, and Two-way. 

2. Sometimes you have to lose the battle to win the war  

So today your horse doesn’t want to go through water to get into the arena. You KNOW they know how to go through it. What do you do?  Well if you have three spare hours, sure, let’s work on solving this issue. If you are about to go into a championship class, just – go – around – it. It is not the time or place. 

Likewise, sometimes your partner will be three glasses of wine down at your parent’s house and you ask them how they are and they say the magic word (“Fine”) DO NOT REACT. Let it go, be civil, and keep that brownie point in your bag for when you need a night out with your mates. 

 3. The carrot and the whip method… it works  

To maximise your training it is simply a question of making the good things easy, and the bad things difficult. Pressure and discomfort, praise and release – it works for boxing, it will work for getting the lightbulb changed.  It doesn’t matter if you had to scream your head off to get your significant other to do what they were meant to do: the second that they do, you have to bat your eyelashes and tell them how wonderful they are. Positive reinforcement for the win! 

 4.There is no accounting for personal taste 

Some people like Arabians, some like warmbloods. I prefer bays, my bestie prefers greys. It doesn’t matter. On the contrary, it’s better because then we don’t all need to fight over the same ride. Just the same, don’t judge and roll your eyes at tattoos or weird hair – that is someone’s Totilas. Just like we won’t laugh at your Quarter Horse. 
(I am kidding. We would never laugh at a QH. But we might laugh if you date a Scientologist.) 

 5. The most useful emotions are humour and patience 

ESPECIALLY when you are feeling particularly annoyed, it is really important that you don’t overreact and take a whip to their butt. The same goes for horses. 

There is a great saying that my first coach told me, which is “Anger begins where knowledge ends.” There is another one which says “I wouldn’t have to control my anger if you could control your stupidity”, which may or may not have been said by my first husband. The fact is, the only way to survive the unsurvivable sometimes is to laugh – your sense of humour is not tested by how you give a joke, but how you take one. And as someone who has ridden a LOT of naughty horses and dated a LOT of weird people, I assure you, laughter is the best medicine.  

After Valium. 

And Pharmacalm. 

6.What you force in, you force out, what you play in, you play out 

There is a great saying that goes “If you act like you have five minutes it will take all day, but if you act like if you have all day you will take five minutes.” Similar to getting anything constructive out of your partner, two AND four-legged. Don’t fight with your partner – it’s bad for cooperation galloping into a water complex, and it’s bad when you have to share a bed with them. Be friendly when stress arises and make it a calm and positive experience.  

Basically, don’t sweat the petty things, and keep petting the sweaty things.  

7.Accept that some days will not go well: it’s just a bad ride, not a bad life 

We all have bad days. Blue days. Days we aren’t at our best. Extend your partner the same courtesy you extend your horse, and assume the best of them, not the worst. All relationships go through hell: the best relationships come through the other side because of perseverance, not flowers and other idealistic nonsense. Stick it out, do the work, and remember the good days when you’re having a bad one! We hang our rosettes to remember the rides that made it worth it when we have a limb in plaster. 

 8. Do the girth up one hole at a time  

Be gentle, take your time, stay thoughtful, even when putting the saddle on for the hundredth time. You don’t want to get complacent and just yank that sucker up… unless you want to get hoofed in the knee or propelled into outer space.  

Put on the lingerie. Buy the flowers. Hang the towels up. Do something without being nagged. Make the effort – every – single – day – to be the best rider that you can be.  

PARTNER, I MEANT PARTNER.  

9. If things are going wrong, remember this and feel better: you are at least half the problem! 

Even if it is a feeding problem, a tack problem, a schooling problem, or a confidence problem, IT IS YOUR FAULT when your horse gets it wrong. Likewise, when your partner is having PMS and your psychic powers failed to realise that they need chocolate and champagne, just admit it. Apologise. Amend your egregious error. Buy them a new pair of gloves too.  

 10. Sometimes you gotta throw them out to pasture 

If at first you don’t succeed, try and try again. After that just give up. No use being an idiot about it.  

Sometimes things just become toxic for everyone, and then a change is as good as a feast. Sometimes a new ride on another horse is all you need to realise that you have been wasting your time on a bad relationship with someone who didn’t suit you. 
Er…  

No. You know what? I stand by that.  

Relationships are not easy, whether they are athletic, friendly, or romantic, But they help us to define who we are, and what we can become. Most of us can trace our ultimate successes to important relationships, whether with cheeky chestnut pony stallions who push us into our comfort zones, or ridiculously tall baby daddies who push us out of them.  

On the upside, you can own more than one horse, they eat out the palm of your hand, and you can ride them any time you like. Plus if horses break your heart, you can lock them in the stable, geld them, or sell them.  

Just saying.  

Words: Georgie Roberts (The Offside of Georgie)